40 Years Sober: Lessons, Growth, & Grace

What 40 Years Clean & Sober Sounds Like.

That’s 14,630 days of waking up without a drink, without a drug, living life on life’s terms. That’s 40 years of being CEO of the I don’t drink no matter what club even when I really needed one. It’s remembering what I did, what I said, and who I did it with. It’s decades of not dancing with shame, lies, or remorse from the things I did while under the influence.

It’s also 40 years knowing where I parked my car the night before. Now, the question is, where the hell are the keys?

For all of this, I am eternally grateful and lack the words to fully express, but I’ll give it a shot… Saying 40 year sober out loud feels surreal. That means I am …getting older. That’s a lot of birthdays, holidays, deaths, births, joyful beginnings, heartbreak endings, accomplishments, quiet Saturday nights, and just plain Tuesdays - all faced sober.

And I’m telling you, that’s not just recovery, its Resurrection. Its Redemption.

I came into the rooms of AA when I was 20. Broken. Hollowed out, knowing I wouldn’t make it to 30. I didn’t know how to live, only to survive.

I was in the middle of two brothers, grew up in a family riddled with alcoholism and co-dependency, raised by 2 people who didn’t know what love felt like. I was taught to live well by looking good on the outside while dying on the inside. I was taught that if I wanted to be seen, I needed to accomplish something – which translates into ‘it wasn’t enough just to be me’.

I know how to compete with active addiction for breadcrumbs of attention. I know how to betray myself and then believe the lie as truth and I know how to compare my insides with your outsides. And all this friends, is a slippery slope, drunk or sober.

Lucky for me, I found AA, with the help of an addiction counslor named Howard S. (RIP). He graced me with the humility of Step 1, (we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable), when I found myself in his office lost, confused, empty and.…. bearing a child conceived in a blackout.

He told me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. And that’s where I discovered a design for living that lasts the test of time.

The Journey of Living Without Alcohol

I didn’t get 40 years sober because I’m special. I got time because I was willing. Willing to listen, learn, and change. Willing to build a happy and purposeful life, to trust in a power greater than myself. I was willing to be messy and vulnerable and to believe that maybe you all would see me and guide towards a new life.

Which is what I did when I walked through the doors and have continued to do for 40 years.

Bill writes in a Vison for You: That I would find release from care, boredom, and worry. That my imagination would be fired. That life would mean something at last. That I would know what it means to give of myself that others may survive and rediscover life.

Along the way, I’ve learned a ton of lessons - mostly that humor can lighten the load and taking myself too seriously is downright boring. I’ve learned that it is okay to be shattered and to cry. I’ve learned that sobriety isn’t about being perfect. It’s about progress. Being real. Telling the truth, making amends, taking an honest look at character defects, that stand in the way between me and me, me and God, and me and you.

Cause in the end…. what else is there?

I’ve learned that doing the next right thing when unnoticed by another human being, can promise one more day of sobriety. I’ve learned to trust in a power greater than myself even when I didn’t believe I deserved that level of grace and care. And I’ve learned over and over and over that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. And this girl has lots of plans.

Bill writes in the 12 x 12: We discover that we receive guidance for our lives to just about the extent that we stop making demands upon God to give it to us on order and our terms. That out of every season of grief or suffering, when the hand of God seemed heavy or unjust, new lessons were learned, new resources of courage were uncovered and that an inescapable conviction comes that God moves in mysterious way to perform his wonders.

The Rewards of Living Life Sober

Being clean and sober has printed my heart and soul. It’s my greatest achievement; the most profound gift I have received and have given others.

At every recovery milestone, transformation occurs. This one has been a rite of passage from knowledge to wisdom, a profound knowing that I stayed the course, that I have value, and I am no longer afraid of standing for it. I have embraced a degree of courage over comfort, for as I grow in wisdom, my former levels of comfort begin to feel uncomfortable.

Life unfolds in mysterious ways. When we take a moment to pause and reflect, we see how all the dots connect. The people, the places, the things all form a path. And the path is often jagged, paved with sharp rocks, yet others are straight, green and glorious. When I accept how the dots connect with grace and dignity, I experience purpose, alignment, freedom and forgiveness.

That’s what 40 years sober looks like. Living a life, I love that.